AlexLee

WHAT?

2009-11-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

I wish I wrote more. I think it really helps when I'm feeling alone or when I need to express certain things. But when I actually sit down to write, I forget everything I wanted to write. And the second I walk away I remember everything or think I should have said something this way or added this detail. All I know is that right now I am lost. I know we all go through this in life but I can't describe how far gone I am. I am so unhappy with who I am and unhappy with my surroundings & life. I have so many issues that I intentionally push those who care the most away. I take their low points & shove them in their face. I hate it but it's a defensive mechanism. I also have serious trust issues going on. I can't believe anything anyone has been telling me. I really feel that people no matter what they say-will always go behind my back and do things & never tell me about them just to "not make me upset". I'm just a very negative person and don't accept the positive very well. Things that are positive always turn sour. It's only a matter of time.

I have had a headache all day. Probably lack of sleep. Been in a horrible mood and some things and people have really urked me. Some have made me really sad. Funny how different people can make you feel different emotions. This one in particular I can't quite put my finger on. It's a mixture of sadness, anger, pity, and just all around feeling like the biggest piece of scum ever. But if they put everything behind them, then that is all I can do. Sometimes love blinds you and causes you to hurt people and do things you never wanted or thought to do. But all I can do it move on.

I need to start making some changes to my life.. and I think this week is going to be the week to get on IT.

It hurts.

2009-09-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

Never did I think you would be basking in lies to me. You really make me feel insecure, and like your own piece of trash who you consider the one you get ass from. Really.. It's a horrible feeling. I really don't know if I can handle your past. It haunts me. Especially when I find out things you've lied to me about.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do or say.

HELLO?

2009-08-19T13:50:00.001-07:00

I'm so lost and so alone. I have no one. I have nothing. I have never felt so depressed, upset, angered, and scared. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I feel myself going back to extremely scary things I once use to reflect on. I have no need to carry on anymore.

ummm

2009-06-04T02:41:00.000-07:00

I now feel even more insecure then I have ever before.

THANK YOU.

Disgusting.

2009-06-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be breathtaking? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be the one to turn heads? I hate myself so much. This is a daily on going battle that becomes worse and worse. I hate it. I know people look at me and see nothing but my imperfections. I know David really looks at me and wonders why I can't be skinny and have a nice body. I truely know that deep down he really does feel that. I hate it. Being me is the worst thing in the world.

I'm tired of hearing things about how I "have to experience the bad in life to truely appreciate the good." I'm tired of hearing that "things could be worse." No one knows my inner battles and what I go through on a daily basis to even remotely make it through the day. I have contemplated a lot of different things. I am truely unhappy and I truely believe that I am or will start to drown in depression. That's honestly how horrible I feel deep down inside.

I hate myself more then anyone could truly hate anything. I won't be at UNLV next year and I don't feel like David even remotely cares. Guess he'll see what it's like when I'm not actually there. Yeah RIGHT. He'll love it. He'll go off and meet some other freshman or some other girl. I know it. I'll become nothing to him. And he'll go out to bars and clubs to drink and I won't be able to go along. But at the same time, he will have no idea what it's like to be miserable at school. He has friends, lots of them. I HAVE NONE. I have no one. And I don't think he understands that either. Sometimes I just truly feel like he doesn't get it. He hasn't had to experience it. He's never experienced doing so bad in school or being treated like the utmost piece of shit his whole life. I know he feels bad for what I've been through..but it's tough. Sometimes the "I'm Sorry's" just don't mean anything.

As tears just consistently flow down my face, I know most of this is all out of anger and disgust of myself. Mostly just being so deeply insecure. No one understands and it's frustrating. I'm so alone.

Do You Love Me?

2009-05-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

This was a piece I wrote awhile back for english.. thought I'd repost it. I believe it was my Sophomore year of High School. I'm so self concious about my writing but why not post it?

Do you love me?

I still remember the day that we met. When I saw you, it was something that I’ve never felt before. As we started seeing more of each other things began to pick up faster than I would have ever imagined. But it all felt so right, so perfect. It wasn’t something that was being forced, or felt over whelming. It just sort of, happened. Deep down inside my heart, I knew you were the one. The one that I would be able to share those 3 precious words with, and start a journey of life together. Sure I say those 3 words lightly to some people, but this time around it truly has a greater meaning.
Can you really define what the meanings of those 3 words are, though? How do you know when you really are feeling it? Is it something that develops fast? Or is it something that takes weeks, months, maybe even years to develop? Is it something that is shaped and put together into the perfect mold by all the laughter, the tears, the arguments, or the times where it might have been close to calling it quits? Does your heart feel weak or does it feel stronger than ever? How does your gut react when you know?
The warm bubbly sensation that takes over my mind and body when you’re around, will it still be there or will that feeling turn into something different, maybe something greater? How will I know if you are feeling the same thing? What if you don’t? How am I supposed to react when I say those 3 words to you and you shut me down for not feeling the same? I imagine the heart starts to ache. Or maybe it takes awhile for it to sink in and slowly but surely breaks the heart down into a million pieces.
What if you were to say it back to me? How am I suppose to react? Is there something that I’m suppose to say after that? Or do I just smile, give you a kiss, and embrace you? I never thought that these 3 “simple” words could have so much thought put into them. It’s only 3 syllables and so easy to say but it’s not necessarily the easiest to detect over infatuation.
Maybe I just need to stop, and listen to how my heart feels. Maybe I just need to wait for you to tell me first. But what if something happens and we go our separate ways and I never got the chance to tell you? Listen to your heart, if it’s something that your heart wants then follow it. Don’t ever give up on your heart, no matter how much the outcome may hurt. Once you give up on your heart, you’ll never forgive yourself for it. At least it’s something you can get back up from and grow into an even stronger person. I’ve made the mistake of giving up on this before, and I’m not doing it again.
I know we both have made some mistakes in the past but we need to move past them. We can’t dwell on the past, but simply learn from it. If we take a lesson, either good or bad, from each situation we can only grow stronger together. This is now. Worry what is happening now. Not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow but be curious for the moment you’re living. Live each breath of life that you still have like it was your last. Have fun. Be safe with life. Be adventurous and daring.
So tell me, tell me just how it is that you are feeling. Please don’t tell me you are having second thoughts about us. My heart will seriously break and ache like it never has before. But, if that’s the case then I will let you go your separate way. All I want for you is to be happy. And If that’s what makes you happy, I’m willing to let you go. If that is the case, just know that you were the first one I ever truly loved.
Love is a big word. It’s something that develops over time, with trust, loyalty, and honesty. It’s something that is developed through arguments, fights, laughter, tears, just the huge realm of emotions. But if you overcome them together, nothing can break the two of you. Always remember that good communication is the key to a strong relationship. Never give up on your heart. If it’s something that truly and honestly makes you feel such great joy and fills your heart with such emotion, go for it. Sometimes things won’t work out and yes, your heart may be broken. But how are you ever going to truly appreciate the good things in life if you don’t experience the bad things? You just have to stand back up on your two feet stronger then you were before you got knocked down. Be brave, but don’t shield yourself from what could be the greatest thing in your life.

Some things are best left unsaid.

2009-04-14T23:00:00.001-07:00

I just feel like screaming my lungs out. I'm so frustrated. I have no outlet. I'm in my own world. I'm alone with nothing and no one.

:'(

..It only has a bad outcome.

2009-03-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

It seems there are certain things that a certain someone is sneaky about. I don't appreciate that. Another way to urk me besides lying is sneaking around. Sometimes I can't help but to wonder if you're actually ready for this. Thanks for being honest, you bastard.

I went to bed in a bad mood and woke up in a bad mood, only to find this out and make it all worse.

'eh

2009-03-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

I have written so many blogs, yet.. I never finish them nor post them.

What a day/week.

One more week, I guess. FML.

sdlhjslkjg

2009-03-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

I know I said I'd start making some postive changes in my life..but apparently I'm too stubborn to do that. I hate everything at the moment. Especially school. F*ck you school and all the shit you give me. If something makes me so unhappy, why do I continue to do it? I'm already a failure, this is just making the situation worse. I seriously think I want to take a semester or two off. School is not my place at the moment. F$%K it!! I don't give a damn anymore. I stop caring a long time ago and just can't seem to break the bad habit. I don't care if I'm "lucky" to be in school rather than working or doing this and that. Everyone is different..especially when it comes to school. People handle things differently and honestly..right now, I seriously don't think it's for me. I think I need time OUT of school. I have a lot of thinking to do.

This semester already sucks big dick. I'm obviously failing my classes, AGAIN. I'm just stupid. don't care what you think.. it's true. I don't have a good head on my shoulder. I don't have a good sense of direction. I have nothing. I have let everyone down and most of all myself.

As Johnston once said, "I'm just at that f*^k you stage...so f*^k you!"

I just don't give a rats ass anymore.

:)

2009-03-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

I have been so blessed with such an amazing boyfriend. He really has helped me learn a lot about myself and opened my eyes to so many different things. It's time that I apply these things and start becoming a better person. Watch out world, here I come!

DEH!<3

ugh

2009-03-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

I'm so unhappy and discontent with everything...FML.

UGHHH DAMNIT.

Keep pushing

2009-02-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

Last night was a rough night, obviously thats detectable by the entry below. Apparently I'm determined to have a bad day and so far, it's working. Go me. I didn't get to sleep till like 4. A friend of mine wouldn't stop texting me while he was driving from Nebraska to Austin. I felt bad though because he needed someone to help him stay up through the night. I stayed up as long as I could till I passed out. Who knows if he actually made it there. The weather doesn't help either. Ever heard the saying, "Don't judge the day by the weather?" Well unfortantely it's a dark, gloomy day and that's how my rotten attitude is, darn.

Well, back to sitting in this 7 cornered room with green nonsense written all over the walls. It happens to be some sort of medical maddness. It's actually quite interesting. I should have chosen medical for my major. But who am I to even think I could possibly ever succeed in that field? I can't even succeed through my basic education.

Midterm, here I come in 90minutes..

Label me a: FALIURE

2009-02-23T00:25:00.000-08:00

I, Alexandria Lee Ludwig, have never felt so dumb in my life as I do right now. I have never felt so many emotions in one day. I think I've honestly experienced every emotion humanly possible. I am right now at an ultimate low. Do I want people to know this? NO. Do I show it? NO. Do I act like I am? NO. I don't like people seeing me like this. I hate talking about these things with people because I just become a burden and pull them down to my level. Especially those who are closest to me. Most people don't understand anyways or don't even know what to say. So why tell them? Sometimes I'm honestly looking for someone to give me some advice or just say SOMETHING. And all I get are long awkward silences or just "I'm sorry." Well why the hell are YOU sorry? You didn't do anything. I understand someone doesn't always know what to say to certain things or it's something they just can't relate to. But sometimes, just SOMETIMES I want some sort of advice. I also know that it's not easy telling when someone wants some comforting words or just an ear to listen. BUT STILL. ughhh I'm so frustrated right now. I am a very stubborn person and most of the time I'm just negative towards advice, but honestly.. I'm soaking it in like a sponge that's getting a taste of water for the first time. I soak up every last ounce of it. Unless I honestly think it's just absurd. For instance, telling anyone about my father and telling me I can't blame him for walking out on MY life when I don't know his side of the story. BULLSHIT, that f**ker walked out of my life and he can go burn in hell for all this pain he has caused in my life. If I go to hell for saying something like that..so be it. I don't CARE about that piece of shit.

I don't like people seeing me cry or being upset. That's not who I am. I'm known for the person who is always "smiling, joking, laughing, and happy." Yes, in a lot of cases I am. But if you honestly believe that I'm fine, I'm really not. I have so much bottled up deep inside and over the span of the last few months with me being sick, everything has just boiled over. I feel so bad. And now I have a stream of tears flowing down my face. I feel like I've burden some people with things I shouldn't have ever told them. I hate it. I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut and go on being that "happy" girl everyone thinks I am. "You think you'd learn from past experiences like this, Alex."

Imagine being sick for over 4 months. Waking up every morning in some sort of pain. Or just being so weak and so tired that you don't even have the energy to brush your teeth or go to the bathroom. I've felt everything from believing I was going to almost die, to having my heart explode right out of my chest, to thinking I was going to be paralzyed. Crazy huh? Of course, none of it happened, but that's what it has been feeling like. Someone recently told me that, "You can't ever fully appreciate the good things in life if you don't get to taste and experience the bottom." I'M TIRED OF BEING IN BOTTOMLESS PIT. It's become unbearable at this point. My life is such an emotional roller coaster that I'm starting to become numb to things. One of my close friends has currently decided they don't like who I am and said some VERY hurtful things to me. But I've become so immune to negativity and hurtful situations that I just don't care anymore. I don't know how to feel towards anything anymore.

Some of my biggest and most deepest insecurities have been shown to some people and it's the most embarrassing, forlorn feeling in the world. When I talk negatively about myself, most people disagree. Some get mad at me, some have given up on me, some just ignore it, and some will just agree with it. Unfortunately I have proved to some people that some of these things I say of myself, are indeed true. They know it and I can detect in their choice of words and how they respond and look at me, that the light bulb finally turned on saying "Wow, Alex was right."

I know the biggest reason I feel as low as I do is because I have fallen so far from Christ. It's so sad. Church was honestly very uplifting today. P-Rod had a great sermon and I honestly felt that spiritual high. But I was shortly distracted and pulled out of that high by the annoyance of ignorant people and the anger towards some. It's funny how the devil works. That little bastard!!! He has been having the time of his life with me lately. And that doesn't mean making me do things way off the spectrum of wrong. But I haven't been focused on Christ, my school work, helping others, praying for help, thanking the Lord every day for letting me live another day and being thankful for everything I have been blessed with. I mean it's a lot of little things, but at the same time it's not.

I'm a horrible person. I don't care who you are and if you disagree with that. It's true and you and I both know it. Stop denying it already. I take everyone and everything for granted. Obviously like I've stated before, the most important person, Jesus Christ, has been absent in the decisions I have been making. I have been taking the most important thing he has ever given me for granted the most, Himself. I have shut so many people out my life and probably have lied to each one on a daily basis. I haven't owned up to my mistakes. I have been saying some hurtful things and hurting people by my actions. I don't help people like I use to. And I honestly think that's one thing that has really helped throw me off the deep end. I LOVE giving a helping hand to anyone and everyone. It's always been my nature and something that gave me such great joy. But no one comes to me anymore. I have no life, no friends. Those I once thought I was close with have stabbed me in the back or have chosen to purposely lose my phone numbers. My family is a million miles away and I feel beyond distant with my cousins I use to be close with. I judge people more than I have ever before. I've become close minded all of the sudden. There is so much and if you still refuse to believe it, open your eyes.

One thing that I am extremely ashamed of is the fact that I have been hiding my faith. What in the world is wrong with me? That's the worst thing that I could EVER do. After all that Christ has done for me, this is how I treat him? I refuse to talk about it anymore. Maybe it's because I was so tired of people judging me for what I believe in and for what I stand for that I just shut myself off from even proclaiming it anymore. I'm so accepting towards others views and opinions but people who are way fair left of me, are not. And they make that known. There is nothing like telling someone your a Republican or believe in pro-life or are conservative and getting eaten alive for it. HEY, word to the wise... I have feelings to you assholes.

I can't even stand looking in the mirror. I am by far the ugliest person that I have ever seen. I'm fat. I have huge ugly hips. I have a double chin. I have disgusting skin. Horrible hair (it looks even worse with this crappy haircut). I hate my teeth. I'm so insecure about my height, I hate it. If I could be shorter, I would be. I have four eyes and with and without them I am beyond hideous. I'm just so insecure it's not even funny.

Today I have felt tired, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, spiritual, annoyed, amused, sad, depressed, excited, stupid, dumb, embarrassed, insecure.. you name it, I've probably felt it.

Yeah reading this you probably have a lot to say. It's more then likely just going to make me feel worse and even more brainless. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of positive things in my life. But at the moment all the negative things are over ridding any sort of positivity.

I'm doing horrible in school, once again...whooo suprise suprise. I'm so stupid. I don't know anything. I'm in the lowest level of EVERYTHING. And when I expressed that to someone tonight, I felt beyond stupid. I couldn't believe I told them. That's one of my biggest insecurities in the world. I'm always afraid I won't comprehend things. And a lot of times I do but since i'm so insecure about it, I make myself believe I dont. I've pretty much failed all my test so far. I am now faced with having to drop my english class for the 2nd TIME. My business teacher made a compromise to get rid of my first test grade if I do well on my 2nd and 3rd test (yes, it was THAT bad.) I am a HUGE let down to my family. I act like I do well in school and understand things when usually in reality I don't.

I fail at life period. I don't know why people even talk to me or why people put any sort of effort into me. It's not worth it to them, but maybe one day they will wake up and realize that. I have more inner battles then people know. I've experienced things that are completely devastating that have ripped away any sort of innocence I ever had. And the source of this, I strongly believe starts with the bastard they call my "father". I believe, no I know, that that man has caused majority of the problems in my life. But I already know what you're going to tell me. "It's my fault for holding on to those things." Mmkay, THANK YOU for telling me something I already know. Hence why I am labeled as a faliure. Yes spelled wrong for a reason.

I don't care if this is all scattered. Off to stay up the rest of the night to do homework.

uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh

Life and it's curve balls

2009-02-18T19:13:00.001-08:00

So as I'm sitting here doing my homework, I decide to scan through Myspace. It's just funny the things you can find out on a retarded social network. I found out that one of my good friends from way back in the day is pregnant. Now, things have changed and we aren't close anymore. Not sure why we ever were in the first place. But sometimes people just cling to me for help and guidance and I think that's what I was there for at the time. Now I'm not putting her down as a person or anything but it's so sad to see that at 18, she is throwing her life away. She is happier then ever about this baby but her mind is just not in the right state. She still parties like crazy with that baby in her tummy and it just makes me wonder what she is thinking. Obviously with that being in the open, she doesn't have any sense of well being for this poor baby. It's so sad.

It's just interesting to me to see the path that people take in their lives. Some are smarter then others of course but sometimes seeing the path someone is taking is really shocking. I can only hope that I continue to make wise decisions and be smart about which direction I head down. I think I'm dong ok at the moment. If it happens to be the wrong direction, I hope I can retrace my steps and learn from it. I know we are suppose to fail at things and be let down only to help make us stronger people. I just hope during those times I can stay focused and know that i'll pull through.

It's really been a rough patch for me, and although I have those times where I think it's impossible to ever overcome.. I know I'll be ok. Sure we are only human and sometimes those rough times will over ride the positivety but as long as I stay focused, I think when those times hit me with a curve ball, i'll be able to think fast.

I just often wonder if people look at me and are taken back by the path I've chosen. Oh well, I don't care. It is what it is and we all live our own lives. The only person that is in control of it all is God and yourself. As long as you do everything through him, all things are possible.

I am a sick person

2009-01-25T22:19:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong of me to be getting some sort of happiness out of giving you a piece of your own mind? I KNOW..It sucks. You do it to me ALL the time and wonder why I act the way I do sometimes. But how can you EVER learn if you yourself never get to experience it? hmmmm, gotcha thinkin yeah?

HAVE A GREAT NIGHT..even though I know you won't.

Who cares?

2009-01-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in one of those moods where you're just annoyed at everyone and everything? YEAH, ME TOO. I'm in one of those moods right now. I'm really pissed and I have no idea why. But i'm hating a lot of things and am really hating myself. Then again, who cares? Yeah, exactly.

adehgshgksalhgakljsrgh
UGHHHHHHHHH

Numero Uno

2009-01-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog, first post, first venting, first bitching, first complaining on this "blogging" site. I never thought i'd get one of these. I haven't really blogged since Xanga, but come to think about it..I like writing down my feelings and whats going on. Sometimes it's nice to just WRITE and vent. Not necessarily for everyone to read but to have some sort of outlet.

Tomorrow is Obama's inauguration. Although I'm not a fan of him, Congrats to him. He has a lot to live up to, so we'll see what the next few years bring. It's going to be VERY interesting. I'm so tired of hearing about the inauguration and today was the first day I wacthed anything to do with it. Yes he is the first "African American" President, but I don't think it's any different then any other to be honest. I probably won't watch it, i'll more than likely be in class anyways.

Well, this is day...5? on my new medicines. I have good days and I have bad days. Today was an ok day. My medicine makes me sick sometimes and I went out running errands for my mom and over did myself. Missed Violin lessons and didn't call Shanka. She probably hates me for never calling when I miss. I'll call tomorrow though. I just hope I get well. I'm so tired of being sick. It's really talking a toll on me.

I'm going to try to start going to the Gym again. I've been wanting to get back on track, but this whole being sick thing is something that's really just taken a toll on me and it's just brought me down. I'm so uncomfortable with myself as a person. I know I shouldn't be. But it's something that I can't budge. WHY? WHY IS IT SO HARD? I see all these beautiful girls who carry themselves with such confidence.. but why can't I? I just get so self concscious about every little thing. Some things bigger then others and I always think people notice the things that make me so self conscious when they probably don't. But because of certain instances where maybe one or two people would say something, It just makes me believe that everyone sees all my flaws. I have huge insecurity issues and I HATE it.

I miss David, A LOT. Having someone so far away is so hard. I've never dealt with anything like this. But it's worth it and I know in the end it will all be worth it. At least that's all I can hope for. I know it's still fresh and still young, but it's something special and it's definitely something i've never felt before. I can't wait till I can see him again. Maybe I'll fly down there this weekend?! :D

Off to do some homework and start another week, WHOOPIE............................

Btw, this is my new favorite show:
"The Big Bang Theory"
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/big_bang_theory/video/video.php?cid=501654023&pid=Pw40r6MFIlPBLcnFxR5vUIf_5FELZ8_K&category=editorial&play=true