Label me a: FALIURE

I, Alexandria Lee Ludwig, have never felt so dumb in my life as I do right now. I have never felt so many emotions in one day. I think I've honestly experienced every emotion humanly possible. I am right now at an ultimate low. Do I want people to know this? NO. Do I show it? NO. Do I act like I am? NO. I don't like people seeing me like this. I hate talking about these things with people because I just become a burden and pull them down to my level. Especially those who are closest to me. Most people don't understand anyways or don't even know what to say. So why tell them? Sometimes I'm honestly looking for someone to give me some advice or just say SOMETHING. And all I get are long awkward silences or just "I'm sorry." Well why the hell are YOU sorry? You didn't do anything. I understand someone doesn't always know what to say to certain things or it's something they just can't relate to. But sometimes, just SOMETIMES I want some sort of advice. I also know that it's not easy telling when someone wants some comforting words or just an ear to listen. BUT STILL. ughhh I'm so frustrated right now. I am a very stubborn person and most of the time I'm just negative towards advice, but honestly.. I'm soaking it in like a sponge that's getting a taste of water for the first time. I soak up every last ounce of it. Unless I honestly think it's just absurd. For instance, telling anyone about my father and telling me I can't blame him for walking out on MY life when I don't know his side of the story. BULLSHIT, that f**ker walked out of my life and he can go burn in hell for all this pain he has caused in my life. If I go to hell for saying something like that..so be it. I don't CARE about that piece of shit.

I don't like people seeing me cry or being upset. That's not who I am. I'm known for the person who is always "smiling, joking, laughing, and happy." Yes, in a lot of cases I am. But if you honestly believe that I'm fine, I'm really not. I have so much bottled up deep inside and over the span of the last few months with me being sick, everything has just boiled over. I feel so bad. And now I have a stream of tears flowing down my face. I feel like I've burden some people with things I shouldn't have ever told them. I hate it. I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut and go on being that "happy" girl everyone thinks I am. "You think you'd learn from past experiences like this, Alex."

Imagine being sick for over 4 months. Waking up every morning in some sort of pain. Or just being so weak and so tired that you don't even have the energy to brush your teeth or go to the bathroom. I've felt everything from believing I was going to almost die, to having my heart explode right out of my chest, to thinking I was going to be paralzyed. Crazy huh? Of course, none of it happened, but that's what it has been feeling like. Someone recently told me that, "You can't ever fully appreciate the good things in life if you don't get to taste and experience the bottom." I'M TIRED OF BEING IN BOTTOMLESS PIT. It's become unbearable at this point. My life is such an emotional roller coaster that I'm starting to become numb to things. One of my close friends has currently decided they don't like who I am and said some VERY hurtful things to me. But I've become so immune to negativity and hurtful situations that I just don't care anymore. I don't know how to feel towards anything anymore.

Some of my biggest and most deepest insecurities have been shown to some people and it's the most embarrassing, forlorn feeling in the world. When I talk negatively about myself, most people disagree. Some get mad at me, some have given up on me, some just ignore it, and some will just agree with it. Unfortunately I have proved to some people that some of these things I say of myself, are indeed true. They know it and I can detect in their choice of words and how they respond and look at me, that the light bulb finally turned on saying "Wow, Alex was right."

I know the biggest reason I feel as low as I do is because I have fallen so far from Christ. It's so sad. Church was honestly very uplifting today. P-Rod had a great sermon and I honestly felt that spiritual high. But I was shortly distracted and pulled out of that high by the annoyance of ignorant people and the anger towards some. It's funny how the devil works. That little bastard!!! He has been having the time of his life with me lately. And that doesn't mean making me do things way off the spectrum of wrong. But I haven't been focused on Christ, my school work, helping others, praying for help, thanking the Lord every day for letting me live another day and being thankful for everything I have been blessed with. I mean it's a lot of little things, but at the same time it's not.

I'm a horrible person. I don't care who you are and if you disagree with that. It's true and you and I both know it. Stop denying it already. I take everyone and everything for granted. Obviously like I've stated before, the most important person, Jesus Christ, has been absent in the decisions I have been making. I have been taking the most important thing he has ever given me for granted the most, Himself. I have shut so many people out my life and probably have lied to each one on a daily basis. I haven't owned up to my mistakes. I have been saying some hurtful things and hurting people by my actions. I don't help people like I use to. And I honestly think that's one thing that has really helped throw me off the deep end. I LOVE giving a helping hand to anyone and everyone. It's always been my nature and something that gave me such great joy. But no one comes to me anymore. I have no life, no friends. Those I once thought I was close with have stabbed me in the back or have chosen to purposely lose my phone numbers. My family is a million miles away and I feel beyond distant with my cousins I use to be close with. I judge people more than I have ever before. I've become close minded all of the sudden. There is so much and if you still refuse to believe it, open your eyes.

One thing that I am extremely ashamed of is the fact that I have been hiding my faith. What in the world is wrong with me? That's the worst thing that I could EVER do. After all that Christ has done for me, this is how I treat him? I refuse to talk about it anymore. Maybe it's because I was so tired of people judging me for what I believe in and for what I stand for that I just shut myself off from even proclaiming it anymore. I'm so accepting towards others views and opinions but people who are way fair left of me, are not. And they make that known. There is nothing like telling someone your a Republican or believe in pro-life or are conservative and getting eaten alive for it. HEY, word to the wise... I have feelings to you assholes.

I can't even stand looking in the mirror. I am by far the ugliest person that I have ever seen. I'm fat. I have huge ugly hips. I have a double chin. I have disgusting skin. Horrible hair (it looks even worse with this crappy haircut). I hate my teeth. I'm so insecure about my height, I hate it. If I could be shorter, I would be. I have four eyes and with and without them I am beyond hideous. I'm just so insecure it's not even funny.

Today I have felt tired, angry, hurt, happy, joyful, spiritual, annoyed, amused, sad, depressed, excited, stupid, dumb, embarrassed, insecure.. you name it, I've probably felt it.

Yeah reading this you probably have a lot to say. It's more then likely just going to make me feel worse and even more brainless. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of positive things in my life. But at the moment all the negative things are over ridding any sort of positivity.

I'm doing horrible in school, once again...whooo suprise suprise. I'm so stupid. I don't know anything. I'm in the lowest level of EVERYTHING. And when I expressed that to someone tonight, I felt beyond stupid. I couldn't believe I told them. That's one of my biggest insecurities in the world. I'm always afraid I won't comprehend things. And a lot of times I do but since i'm so insecure about it, I make myself believe I dont. I've pretty much failed all my test so far. I am now faced with having to drop my english class for the 2nd TIME. My business teacher made a compromise to get rid of my first test grade if I do well on my 2nd and 3rd test (yes, it was THAT bad.) I am a HUGE let down to my family. I act like I do well in school and understand things when usually in reality I don't.

I fail at life period. I don't know why people even talk to me or why people put any sort of effort into me. It's not worth it to them, but maybe one day they will wake up and realize that. I have more inner battles then people know. I've experienced things that are completely devastating that have ripped away any sort of innocence I ever had. And the source of this, I strongly believe starts with the bastard they call my "father". I believe, no I know, that that man has caused majority of the problems in my life. But I already know what you're going to tell me. "It's my fault for holding on to those things." Mmkay, THANK YOU for telling me something I already know. Hence why I am labeled as a faliure. Yes spelled wrong for a reason.

I don't care if this is all scattered. Off to stay up the rest of the night to do homework.


uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh