Disgusting.

Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be breathtaking? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be the one to turn heads? I hate myself so much. This is a daily on going battle that becomes worse and worse. I hate it. I know people look at me and see nothing but my imperfections. I know David really looks at me and wonders why I can't be skinny and have a nice body. I truely know that deep down he really does feel that. I hate it. Being me is the worst thing in the world.

I'm tired of hearing things about how I "have to experience the bad in life to truely appreciate the good." I'm tired of hearing that "things could be worse." No one knows my inner battles and what I go through on a daily basis to even remotely make it through the day. I have contemplated a lot of different things. I am truely unhappy and I truely believe that I am or will start to drown in depression. That's honestly how horrible I feel deep down inside.

I hate myself more then anyone could truly hate anything. I won't be at UNLV next year and I don't feel like David even remotely cares. Guess he'll see what it's like when I'm not actually there. Yeah RIGHT. He'll love it. He'll go off and meet some other freshman or some other girl. I know it. I'll become nothing to him. And he'll go out to bars and clubs to drink and I won't be able to go along. But at the same time, he will have no idea what it's like to be miserable at school. He has friends, lots of them. I HAVE NONE. I have no one. And I don't think he understands that either. Sometimes I just truly feel like he doesn't get it. He hasn't had to experience it. He's never experienced doing so bad in school or being treated like the utmost piece of shit his whole life. I know he feels bad for what I've been through..but it's tough. Sometimes the "I'm Sorry's" just don't mean anything.

As tears just consistently flow down my face, I know most of this is all out of anger and disgust of myself. Mostly just being so deeply insecure. No one understands and it's frustrating. I'm so alone.