I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do or say.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It hurts.
Never did I think you would be basking in lies to me. You really make me feel insecure, and like your own piece of trash who you consider the one you get ass from. Really.. It's a horrible feeling. I really don't know if I can handle your past. It haunts me. Especially when I find out things you've lied to me about.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
HELLO?
I'm so lost and so alone. I have no one. I have nothing. I have never felt so depressed, upset, angered, and scared. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I feel myself going back to extremely scary things I once use to reflect on. I have no need to carry on anymore.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Disgusting.
Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be breathtaking? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be the one to turn heads? I hate myself so much. This is a daily on going battle that becomes worse and worse. I hate it. I know people look at me and see nothing but my imperfections. I know David really looks at me and wonders why I can't be skinny and have a nice body. I truely know that deep down he really does feel that. I hate it. Being me is the worst thing in the world.
I'm tired of hearing things about how I "have to experience the bad in life to truely appreciate the good." I'm tired of hearing that "things could be worse." No one knows my inner battles and what I go through on a daily basis to even remotely make it through the day. I have contemplated a lot of different things. I am truely unhappy and I truely believe that I am or will start to drown in depression. That's honestly how horrible I feel deep down inside.
I hate myself more then anyone could truly hate anything. I won't be at UNLV next year and I don't feel like David even remotely cares. Guess he'll see what it's like when I'm not actually there. Yeah RIGHT. He'll love it. He'll go off and meet some other freshman or some other girl. I know it. I'll become nothing to him. And he'll go out to bars and clubs to drink and I won't be able to go along. But at the same time, he will have no idea what it's like to be miserable at school. He has friends, lots of them. I HAVE NONE. I have no one. And I don't think he understands that either. Sometimes I just truly feel like he doesn't get it. He hasn't had to experience it. He's never experienced doing so bad in school or being treated like the utmost piece of shit his whole life. I know he feels bad for what I've been through..but it's tough. Sometimes the "I'm Sorry's" just don't mean anything.
As tears just consistently flow down my face, I know most of this is all out of anger and disgust of myself. Mostly just being so deeply insecure. No one understands and it's frustrating. I'm so alone.
I'm tired of hearing things about how I "have to experience the bad in life to truely appreciate the good." I'm tired of hearing that "things could be worse." No one knows my inner battles and what I go through on a daily basis to even remotely make it through the day. I have contemplated a lot of different things. I am truely unhappy and I truely believe that I am or will start to drown in depression. That's honestly how horrible I feel deep down inside.
I hate myself more then anyone could truly hate anything. I won't be at UNLV next year and I don't feel like David even remotely cares. Guess he'll see what it's like when I'm not actually there. Yeah RIGHT. He'll love it. He'll go off and meet some other freshman or some other girl. I know it. I'll become nothing to him. And he'll go out to bars and clubs to drink and I won't be able to go along. But at the same time, he will have no idea what it's like to be miserable at school. He has friends, lots of them. I HAVE NONE. I have no one. And I don't think he understands that either. Sometimes I just truly feel like he doesn't get it. He hasn't had to experience it. He's never experienced doing so bad in school or being treated like the utmost piece of shit his whole life. I know he feels bad for what I've been through..but it's tough. Sometimes the "I'm Sorry's" just don't mean anything.
As tears just consistently flow down my face, I know most of this is all out of anger and disgust of myself. Mostly just being so deeply insecure. No one understands and it's frustrating. I'm so alone.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Do You Love Me?
This was a piece I wrote awhile back for english.. thought I'd repost it. I believe it was my Sophomore year of High School. I'm so self concious about my writing but why not post it?
I still remember the day that we met. When I saw you, it was something that I’ve never felt before. As we started seeing more of each other things began to pick up faster than I would have ever imagined. But it all felt so right, so perfect. It wasn’t something that was being forced, or felt over whelming. It just sort of, happened. Deep down inside my heart, I knew you were the one. The one that I would be able to share those 3 precious words with, and start a journey of life together. Sure I say those 3 words lightly to some people, but this time around it truly has a greater meaning.
Can you really define what the meanings of those 3 words are, though? How do you know when you really are feeling it? Is it something that develops fast? Or is it something that takes weeks, months, maybe even years to develop? Is it something that is shaped and put together into the perfect mold by all the laughter, the tears, the arguments, or the times where it might have been close to calling it quits? Does your heart feel weak or does it feel stronger than ever? How does your gut react when you know?
The warm bubbly sensation that takes over my mind and body when you’re around, will it still be there or will that feeling turn into something different, maybe something greater? How will I know if you are feeling the same thing? What if you don’t? How am I supposed to react when I say those 3 words to you and you shut me down for not feeling the same? I imagine the heart starts to ache. Or maybe it takes awhile for it to sink in and slowly but surely breaks the heart down into a million pieces.
What if you were to say it back to me? How am I suppose to react? Is there something that I’m suppose to say after that? Or do I just smile, give you a kiss, and embrace you? I never thought that these 3 “simple” words could have so much thought put into them. It’s only 3 syllables and so easy to say but it’s not necessarily the easiest to detect over infatuation.
Maybe I just need to stop, and listen to how my heart feels. Maybe I just need to wait for you to tell me first. But what if something happens and we go our separate ways and I never got the chance to tell you? Listen to your heart, if it’s something that your heart wants then follow it. Don’t ever give up on your heart, no matter how much the outcome may hurt. Once you give up on your heart, you’ll never forgive yourself for it. At least it’s something you can get back up from and grow into an even stronger person. I’ve made the mistake of giving up on this before, and I’m not doing it again.
I know we both have made some mistakes in the past but we need to move past them. We can’t dwell on the past, but simply learn from it. If we take a lesson, either good or bad, from each situation we can only grow stronger together. This is now. Worry what is happening now. Not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow but be curious for the moment you’re living. Live each breath of life that you still have like it was your last. Have fun. Be safe with life. Be adventurous and daring.
So tell me, tell me just how it is that you are feeling. Please don’t tell me you are having second thoughts about us. My heart will seriously break and ache like it never has before. But, if that’s the case then I will let you go your separate way. All I want for you is to be happy. And If that’s what makes you happy, I’m willing to let you go. If that is the case, just know that you were the first one I ever truly loved.
Love is a big word. It’s something that develops over time, with trust, loyalty, and honesty. It’s something that is developed through arguments, fights, laughter, tears, just the huge realm of emotions. But if you overcome them together, nothing can break the two of you. Always remember that good communication is the key to a strong relationship. Never give up on your heart. If it’s something that truly and honestly makes you feel such great joy and fills your heart with such emotion, go for it. Sometimes things won’t work out and yes, your heart may be broken. But how are you ever going to truly appreciate the good things in life if you don’t experience the bad things? You just have to stand back up on your two feet stronger then you were before you got knocked down. Be brave, but don’t shield yourself from what could be the greatest thing in your life.
Do you love me?
I still remember the day that we met. When I saw you, it was something that I’ve never felt before. As we started seeing more of each other things began to pick up faster than I would have ever imagined. But it all felt so right, so perfect. It wasn’t something that was being forced, or felt over whelming. It just sort of, happened. Deep down inside my heart, I knew you were the one. The one that I would be able to share those 3 precious words with, and start a journey of life together. Sure I say those 3 words lightly to some people, but this time around it truly has a greater meaning.
Can you really define what the meanings of those 3 words are, though? How do you know when you really are feeling it? Is it something that develops fast? Or is it something that takes weeks, months, maybe even years to develop? Is it something that is shaped and put together into the perfect mold by all the laughter, the tears, the arguments, or the times where it might have been close to calling it quits? Does your heart feel weak or does it feel stronger than ever? How does your gut react when you know?
The warm bubbly sensation that takes over my mind and body when you’re around, will it still be there or will that feeling turn into something different, maybe something greater? How will I know if you are feeling the same thing? What if you don’t? How am I supposed to react when I say those 3 words to you and you shut me down for not feeling the same? I imagine the heart starts to ache. Or maybe it takes awhile for it to sink in and slowly but surely breaks the heart down into a million pieces.
What if you were to say it back to me? How am I suppose to react? Is there something that I’m suppose to say after that? Or do I just smile, give you a kiss, and embrace you? I never thought that these 3 “simple” words could have so much thought put into them. It’s only 3 syllables and so easy to say but it’s not necessarily the easiest to detect over infatuation.
Maybe I just need to stop, and listen to how my heart feels. Maybe I just need to wait for you to tell me first. But what if something happens and we go our separate ways and I never got the chance to tell you? Listen to your heart, if it’s something that your heart wants then follow it. Don’t ever give up on your heart, no matter how much the outcome may hurt. Once you give up on your heart, you’ll never forgive yourself for it. At least it’s something you can get back up from and grow into an even stronger person. I’ve made the mistake of giving up on this before, and I’m not doing it again.
I know we both have made some mistakes in the past but we need to move past them. We can’t dwell on the past, but simply learn from it. If we take a lesson, either good or bad, from each situation we can only grow stronger together. This is now. Worry what is happening now. Not what happened yesterday or what will happen tomorrow but be curious for the moment you’re living. Live each breath of life that you still have like it was your last. Have fun. Be safe with life. Be adventurous and daring.
So tell me, tell me just how it is that you are feeling. Please don’t tell me you are having second thoughts about us. My heart will seriously break and ache like it never has before. But, if that’s the case then I will let you go your separate way. All I want for you is to be happy. And If that’s what makes you happy, I’m willing to let you go. If that is the case, just know that you were the first one I ever truly loved.
Love is a big word. It’s something that develops over time, with trust, loyalty, and honesty. It’s something that is developed through arguments, fights, laughter, tears, just the huge realm of emotions. But if you overcome them together, nothing can break the two of you. Always remember that good communication is the key to a strong relationship. Never give up on your heart. If it’s something that truly and honestly makes you feel such great joy and fills your heart with such emotion, go for it. Sometimes things won’t work out and yes, your heart may be broken. But how are you ever going to truly appreciate the good things in life if you don’t experience the bad things? You just have to stand back up on your two feet stronger then you were before you got knocked down. Be brave, but don’t shield yourself from what could be the greatest thing in your life.
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