Sunday, November 22, 2009

WHAT?

I wish I wrote more. I think it really helps when I'm feeling alone or when I need to express certain things. But when I actually sit down to write, I forget everything I wanted to write. And the second I walk away I remember everything or think I should have said something this way or added this detail. All I know is that right now I am lost. I know we all go through this in life but I can't describe how far gone I am. I am so unhappy with who I am and unhappy with my surroundings & life. I have so many issues that I intentionally push those who care the most away. I take their low points & shove them in their face. I hate it but it's a defensive mechanism. I also have serious trust issues going on. I can't believe anything anyone has been telling me. I really feel that people no matter what they say-will always go behind my back and do things & never tell me about them just to "not make me upset". I'm just a very negative person and don't accept the positive very well. Things that are positive always turn sour. It's only a matter of time.

I have had a headache all day. Probably lack of sleep. Been in a horrible mood and some things and people have really urked me. Some have made me really sad. Funny how different people can make you feel different emotions. This one in particular I can't quite put my finger on. It's a mixture of sadness, anger, pity, and just all around feeling like the biggest piece of scum ever. But if they put everything behind them, then that is all I can do. Sometimes love blinds you and causes you to hurt people and do things you never wanted or thought to do. But all I can do it move on.

I need to start making some changes to my life.. and I think this week is going to be the week to get on IT.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It hurts.

Never did I think you would be basking in lies to me. You really make me feel insecure, and like your own piece of trash who you consider the one you get ass from. Really.. It's a horrible feeling. I really don't know if I can handle your past. It haunts me. Especially when I find out things you've lied to me about.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm so sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do or say.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

HELLO?

I'm so lost and so alone. I have no one. I have nothing. I have never felt so depressed, upset, angered, and scared. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I feel myself going back to extremely scary things I once use to reflect on. I have no need to carry on anymore.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

ummm

I now feel even more insecure then I have ever before.

THANK YOU.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Disgusting.

Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be breathtaking? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't I be the one to turn heads? I hate myself so much. This is a daily on going battle that becomes worse and worse. I hate it. I know people look at me and see nothing but my imperfections. I know David really looks at me and wonders why I can't be skinny and have a nice body. I truely know that deep down he really does feel that. I hate it. Being me is the worst thing in the world.

I'm tired of hearing things about how I "have to experience the bad in life to truely appreciate the good." I'm tired of hearing that "things could be worse." No one knows my inner battles and what I go through on a daily basis to even remotely make it through the day. I have contemplated a lot of different things. I am truely unhappy and I truely believe that I am or will start to drown in depression. That's honestly how horrible I feel deep down inside.

I hate myself more then anyone could truly hate anything. I won't be at UNLV next year and I don't feel like David even remotely cares. Guess he'll see what it's like when I'm not actually there. Yeah RIGHT. He'll love it. He'll go off and meet some other freshman or some other girl. I know it. I'll become nothing to him. And he'll go out to bars and clubs to drink and I won't be able to go along. But at the same time, he will have no idea what it's like to be miserable at school. He has friends, lots of them. I HAVE NONE. I have no one. And I don't think he understands that either. Sometimes I just truly feel like he doesn't get it. He hasn't had to experience it. He's never experienced doing so bad in school or being treated like the utmost piece of shit his whole life. I know he feels bad for what I've been through..but it's tough. Sometimes the "I'm Sorry's" just don't mean anything.

As tears just consistently flow down my face, I know most of this is all out of anger and disgust of myself. Mostly just being so deeply insecure. No one understands and it's frustrating. I'm so alone.